I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
