i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
