Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
