guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
