two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
ugly people sure do ruin things
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize