I showed him my bush... on skype.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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