K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
