Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
