He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
