I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
