ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Randomize
