the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
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