well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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