I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
