I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
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