I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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