Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
