Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
