I'm eating all of the evidence.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
