I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
