i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize