she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
