I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
