Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
