I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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