i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
