this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
