A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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