DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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