I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
