Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
