Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
