apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize