hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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