I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Never underestimate the power of titties
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
