im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Help. Why am I so naked?
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