So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize