i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
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