I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
