Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize