You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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