I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
