i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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