I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
