i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Randomize
