woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
