I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He keeps bees of course he's weird
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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