I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
