Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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