Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
