Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
