Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
i think i just lost a toe
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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