me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
