The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
