I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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