So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
