I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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