so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
