I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
